'AITA for asking my ex husband to help pay for our daughter's medical testing?' (2024)

The testing was fairly expensive and I paid all of the co-pays on my credit card. I asked my ex to pay for part of them, since they were for our daughter's health and he refused, stating that we had just "internet fear mongered" and that she had "made herself sick by not eating properly."

He also said he should have been consulted and involved in the process, which our daughter did not want. AITA for not making a financial plan and discussing it with my ex husband before the testing?

People had a lot of comments and questions to add.

Xplodingfairydust wrote:

Info: what state are you in? Different states will have different definitions of a dependant and age limits. I believe you could still be covered since she is a student. NTA because his stigma is likely what made your daughter not want to talk to him about her private health information but you could have kept it in general terms.

See Also

'AITA for saying I would never have chosen my husband as the father of my child?' UPDATED'AITAH for wanting to divorce my husband after his ex implied our baby wasn't his?' UPDATED'AITA for not wanting a baby with my husband after he asked for a paternity test?' UPDATED

OP responded:

Colorado- She is on his health insurance until 25 so I think if neither she or I paid the balance they would have gone after him anyway as guarantor.

BookLuvr7 wrote:

NTA. Morally he should contribute and stop gaslighting your daughter's problems by shrugging them off as diet or imaginary. Endometriosis is something people are born with that develops over time. It is not caused by poor diet. He's clearly ignorant about women's health issues, possibly bc medicine has yet to properly study the female body.

Thank you for being the kind of parent who actually advocated for your daughter enough to get answers. Good luck holding him legally accountable, though. It sounds like he just doesn't care enough and would rather blame your daughter for medical problems she has no control over.

Sadly, Endo often requires surgeries to treat it properly. A low carb diet can work wonders, but it's no cure. It sucks. I'm sorry for your daughter. And for you for having to deal with him.

AliceinWeirdoland wrote:

NTA, but it's worth checking in with a lawyer to see whether your jurisdiction has a specific age cut-off that will be read into the agreement. In many places that age is 18, but I've also seen it go as high as 21, so in terms of enforcement, you need to check with actual legal counsel.

Either way, you're doing a good thing by supporting your child in getting diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, which is often difficult, particularly for women, in a medical system that still struggles to acknowledge them at times.

rantingpacifist wrote:

I was diagnosed with endometriosis at 15, had a full hysterectomy at 39. I spent 28 years vomiting 24-36 hours straight every time I got my period.

You are doing the right thing. No diet, no exercise cures abdominal lesions like endometriosis. Your ex is an ignorant bastard.

_mmiggs_ wrote:

Your child is an adult. Does your agreement contain any language at all about costs while your child is at college, for example?

In general, "child" is defined by state law to cover the period of time until either the child's 18th birthday or perhaps the later of their 18th birthday and their graduation from high school. Either way, your 20 year old daughter who is a college junior is well past the date. In legal terms, he probably has no obligation to pay.

This doesn't make you worse off, because he clearly wouldn't have paid for testing for an illness that he thinks is all internet fear-mongering and poor diet had you asked him beforehand. He's an AH, which is presumably connected to him being an "ex" husband. NTA for asking, but he almost certainly has no obligation to actually pay.

fancyandfab wrote:

When you were reviewing the symptoms, autoimmune disease was jumping out to me, and that's what it was. OP, stress is a major component in developing autoimmune disorders and women are far more likely the develop them.

Medical misogyny is a real thing and it seems your ex is doing this nonsense too. IDK if you should have consulted him first and frankly I don't care 🤷🏾‍♀️ You advocated for your daughter when no one else would. She will unfortunately need to fight doctors to have concerns addressed. This was a great example for her. NTA.

Dwarvendeer wrote:

NTA. Your daughter didn't want to include him and based on his prior responses to her complaints he would've dismissed her concerns again anyways. Whether he legally has to pay would be the verdict of a lawyer based on various minutia within your agreement so I won't pretend I know enough to give a judgement on that front.